Struggle

I want to scream.
I want to scream until I feel better or someone feels worse.
I want to bloody my fists on concrete walls until they ache like my heart does.
It's  been two years since my daughter chose to live with her father.  It was a devastating blow.  I wanted to believe that she would be happy there and while not acknowledging it out loud, I wanted to believe he was the better parent.  Why else would she leave?  
Over the weekend she admitted that she felt she had made a mistake; she wished she had never left.  Much has changed.  I moved to get away from the ache of watching her so close in her new home but we've remained close.  I love her no less and my guilt is as pricey as a drug addiction.  I spend every dime I have trying to compensate for an absence that she actually chose.  
This morning she called in tears.  There has been a lot of fighting at home she says.  They fight about her.  She says she feels she will have a nervous breakdown at school.  She's crying and my heart is breaking.  I tell her she doesn't have to stay in that house.  I can come and get her.  If she doesn't want me, she can go to her Grandma who lives near the university she plans to attend anyway.  
In adolescent fashion, she states that she has such good friends.  She doesn't want to leave her friends.
My sorrow turns to rage.  I hold it back but it's there.  I explain that she'll find friends wherever she goes but she can't stay in an unstable home.  I am slowly realizing she wants pity more than anything.  She wants someone to feel bad along side of her more than a solution to the situation.
I just want to withdraw.  I want to put my hands up and surrender.  Much of life is suffering; feeling things we don't always earn but are posed upon us. 
It's not like I live an ideal.  My heart is restless.  I can't have what I want.  I try to be content with what I have while longing for the ideal.  I am lonely and broke and wonder how I got here. I struggle and struggle and struggle. 
I beg for a release.  Right now.  Some how.