Liz Taylor has died. For all the weddings and divorces, she died alone.
Beautiful, strong women often seem to go that way.
Ideally, a person wants to die surrounded by friends and family but I don't mind going alone as long as it's quick and painless.
Yesterday, I learned that the Crossdresser has began taking estrogen. I am happy for him. Jeanie and I met in August 2008 and were inseperable until January 2009. At the time, I thought he was merely a Crossdresser. I love duality and it seemed a good fit. Until it wasn't. I think our time together helped him to evolve into more of the person that he truly is which is a whole other gender all together. I cleaned every trace of my life out before realizing that our relationship was the real problem. It hurt to let him go but we had both outgrown each other. It was no longer a good fit. Relationships aren't always lasting. Perhaps none of them are. All that we truly have is the moment. The past is but a memory and the future is quite imaginary. This is it....right where you sit or stand or squat.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Don't Tell Your Dreams Before Breakfast
Recently I told Adam, "We leave. We re-group. We come back." He replied, "You say that with such conviction." I asked him if he believed in an after life or if he really thought this was it. He said, "I don't know but I'm not sure if I'll ever sound as convincing as you do in whatever I believe."
Since that time I've wondered what brought me to that conviction.
Maybe, I've been witness or know without doubt the truth of witnesses of an after life on more occasions than most.
I was raised in the South, and the South is soulful without even trying. It's in our habits, our food, our love. It's in the way we greet the dawn and sleep through the night. God was as much of a part of my life as my family and friends. I was always aware of his presence. I have found that the atheists that I've known are high intelligent. I guess I'm just not that smart.
I have seen ghosts. I have seen spirits. I have seen a few demons.
I tease that I've danced with the Devil and put back shots of Jack with Jesus but that just makes for a good story.
My Nanna taught me to believe in Heaven and Hell and nothing in between and yet, she was superstitious. She believed that you should never tell your dreams before breakfast. This was a rule and one we were taught to follow. To tell a dream before breakfast would make it come true.
Nanna is the oldest of six children. As a newly wed, the youngest of her siblings would often spend summers with her and Grandpa Jones.
One summer morning, the smell of breakfast woke Joe and Linda. Joe who was around age 9 said, "Barbara, I dreamed Gene was dead." Gene was their brother..young, handsome 20 year old Gene just out of the Army and who was to begin a new job in Charlotte on Monday. My Nanna reminded Joe of the rule and said to speak no more of it.
Half an hour later, the phone rang. Gene had died in a one car accident the night before.
Forty or more years later, I heard Joe tell the story of his dream of Gene.
He said that Gene came to him and took him to a room where there was a coffin. When Joe looked inside the coffin, Gene was lying there. Gene said, "Now Joe, that's not me. That's just my body. I don't want you to be afraid. It's not really me."
Did Joe have a premonition or was he truly visited by Gene that night?
I believe it was an older brother preparing a younger brother.
Of course, that's just what I believe.
Since that time I've wondered what brought me to that conviction.
Maybe, I've been witness or know without doubt the truth of witnesses of an after life on more occasions than most.
I was raised in the South, and the South is soulful without even trying. It's in our habits, our food, our love. It's in the way we greet the dawn and sleep through the night. God was as much of a part of my life as my family and friends. I was always aware of his presence. I have found that the atheists that I've known are high intelligent. I guess I'm just not that smart.
I have seen ghosts. I have seen spirits. I have seen a few demons.
I tease that I've danced with the Devil and put back shots of Jack with Jesus but that just makes for a good story.
My Nanna taught me to believe in Heaven and Hell and nothing in between and yet, she was superstitious. She believed that you should never tell your dreams before breakfast. This was a rule and one we were taught to follow. To tell a dream before breakfast would make it come true.
Nanna is the oldest of six children. As a newly wed, the youngest of her siblings would often spend summers with her and Grandpa Jones.
One summer morning, the smell of breakfast woke Joe and Linda. Joe who was around age 9 said, "Barbara, I dreamed Gene was dead." Gene was their brother..young, handsome 20 year old Gene just out of the Army and who was to begin a new job in Charlotte on Monday. My Nanna reminded Joe of the rule and said to speak no more of it.
Half an hour later, the phone rang. Gene had died in a one car accident the night before.
Forty or more years later, I heard Joe tell the story of his dream of Gene.
He said that Gene came to him and took him to a room where there was a coffin. When Joe looked inside the coffin, Gene was lying there. Gene said, "Now Joe, that's not me. That's just my body. I don't want you to be afraid. It's not really me."
Did Joe have a premonition or was he truly visited by Gene that night?
I believe it was an older brother preparing a younger brother.
Of course, that's just what I believe.
Back and Forth
Carla reserved us a VIP table surrounding the stage at the Prince concert. I told her that she makes up for a lot of the raggedy in my life. She really does. I can't imagine life without my sister and my soul sister. Saturday night, I will be with the soul sister while thinking of the sister. As girls, Carey and I played Prince records until they were warped from use. That shows my age I suppose. My daughter knows nothing of vinyl.
Robert and I are over. It's a relief though I'm hesitant to say so. We've been so back and forth and side to side but I think it's safe to say that I'm over it. I'm over romance in general at the moment. I will accept love should it find me, but I'm not going to look for it. I'll find other things to find joy in.
Like Prince.
Like Sisters.
Like laying by the sea.
Robert and I are over. It's a relief though I'm hesitant to say so. We've been so back and forth and side to side but I think it's safe to say that I'm over it. I'm over romance in general at the moment. I will accept love should it find me, but I'm not going to look for it. I'll find other things to find joy in.
Like Prince.
Like Sisters.
Like laying by the sea.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
A Few Steps In The Right Direction
It can't be all bad, now can it?
On Friday, the home office requested that I work from them full time, not just on my days off the plant site. My Project Manager has only agreed to hand me over an extra day a week. The home office is only 5 minutes away from my house. I could get frustrated, but what will that prove? I don't want to overplay my hand.
Did you know I love Prince? I do. His symbol is tattooed on my foot and his songs play on my life's soundtrack...at least the dirty soundtrack. He's doing 6 shows in my area. I will be there or nowhere on March 26th with my Soul Sister, Carla. We're going to make a whole weekend of it. I'm very excited.
For the most part, I feel I am where I am supposed to be. It's not necessarily as wonderful or as exciting as I would like but who's fault is that? Our lives are by design and if something isn't working, I only have myself to blame.
To the Universe I shout about longing for The Professor but what I need and what I want are often two different things. Can he give me what I truly seek? Probably not. Is it worth the wait and work and effort? Probably not. I have to start looking at the relationship realistically. I have to look at it AS IS instead of WHAT IF. It's hardly worth my time. I know that. You know that. My heart is bound to catch up with popular opinion.
My Sweet Daughter decided to call me back. I only had to call about a half a dozen times. It was awkward and that's okay. She's at that age where she's more concerned with her needs than actually loving her Momma.
Isn't there a trend here? I seem to be doing all the giving and none of the receiving in most of my relationships. Has that become a comfortable thing for me? Surely I designed it that way. Only, I'm beginning to want more out of my relationships, my job, my everything.
I am going to open my heart and mind to accepting what people offer. I am going to say "Thank You" instead of "Oh No.." or "Are you sure???"
I need love and time and tenderness.
A little love and time and tenderness a little at a time.
On Friday, the home office requested that I work from them full time, not just on my days off the plant site. My Project Manager has only agreed to hand me over an extra day a week. The home office is only 5 minutes away from my house. I could get frustrated, but what will that prove? I don't want to overplay my hand.
Did you know I love Prince? I do. His symbol is tattooed on my foot and his songs play on my life's soundtrack...at least the dirty soundtrack. He's doing 6 shows in my area. I will be there or nowhere on March 26th with my Soul Sister, Carla. We're going to make a whole weekend of it. I'm very excited.
For the most part, I feel I am where I am supposed to be. It's not necessarily as wonderful or as exciting as I would like but who's fault is that? Our lives are by design and if something isn't working, I only have myself to blame.
To the Universe I shout about longing for The Professor but what I need and what I want are often two different things. Can he give me what I truly seek? Probably not. Is it worth the wait and work and effort? Probably not. I have to start looking at the relationship realistically. I have to look at it AS IS instead of WHAT IF. It's hardly worth my time. I know that. You know that. My heart is bound to catch up with popular opinion.
My Sweet Daughter decided to call me back. I only had to call about a half a dozen times. It was awkward and that's okay. She's at that age where she's more concerned with her needs than actually loving her Momma.
Isn't there a trend here? I seem to be doing all the giving and none of the receiving in most of my relationships. Has that become a comfortable thing for me? Surely I designed it that way. Only, I'm beginning to want more out of my relationships, my job, my everything.
I am going to open my heart and mind to accepting what people offer. I am going to say "Thank You" instead of "Oh No.." or "Are you sure???"
I need love and time and tenderness.
A little love and time and tenderness a little at a time.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Struggle
I want to scream.
I want to scream until I feel better or someone feels worse.
I want to bloody my fists on concrete walls until they ache like my heart does.
It's been two years since my daughter chose to live with her father. It was a devastating blow. I wanted to believe that she would be happy there and while not acknowledging it out loud, I wanted to believe he was the better parent. Why else would she leave?
Over the weekend she admitted that she felt she had made a mistake; she wished she had never left. Much has changed. I moved to get away from the ache of watching her so close in her new home but we've remained close. I love her no less and my guilt is as pricey as a drug addiction. I spend every dime I have trying to compensate for an absence that she actually chose.
This morning she called in tears. There has been a lot of fighting at home she says. They fight about her. She says she feels she will have a nervous breakdown at school. She's crying and my heart is breaking. I tell her she doesn't have to stay in that house. I can come and get her. If she doesn't want me, she can go to her Grandma who lives near the university she plans to attend anyway.
In adolescent fashion, she states that she has such good friends. She doesn't want to leave her friends.
My sorrow turns to rage. I hold it back but it's there. I explain that she'll find friends wherever she goes but she can't stay in an unstable home. I am slowly realizing she wants pity more than anything. She wants someone to feel bad along side of her more than a solution to the situation.
I just want to withdraw. I want to put my hands up and surrender. Much of life is suffering; feeling things we don't always earn but are posed upon us.
It's not like I live an ideal. My heart is restless. I can't have what I want. I try to be content with what I have while longing for the ideal. I am lonely and broke and wonder how I got here. I struggle and struggle and struggle.
I beg for a release. Right now. Some how.
I want to scream until I feel better or someone feels worse.
I want to bloody my fists on concrete walls until they ache like my heart does.
It's been two years since my daughter chose to live with her father. It was a devastating blow. I wanted to believe that she would be happy there and while not acknowledging it out loud, I wanted to believe he was the better parent. Why else would she leave?
Over the weekend she admitted that she felt she had made a mistake; she wished she had never left. Much has changed. I moved to get away from the ache of watching her so close in her new home but we've remained close. I love her no less and my guilt is as pricey as a drug addiction. I spend every dime I have trying to compensate for an absence that she actually chose.
This morning she called in tears. There has been a lot of fighting at home she says. They fight about her. She says she feels she will have a nervous breakdown at school. She's crying and my heart is breaking. I tell her she doesn't have to stay in that house. I can come and get her. If she doesn't want me, she can go to her Grandma who lives near the university she plans to attend anyway.
In adolescent fashion, she states that she has such good friends. She doesn't want to leave her friends.
My sorrow turns to rage. I hold it back but it's there. I explain that she'll find friends wherever she goes but she can't stay in an unstable home. I am slowly realizing she wants pity more than anything. She wants someone to feel bad along side of her more than a solution to the situation.
I just want to withdraw. I want to put my hands up and surrender. Much of life is suffering; feeling things we don't always earn but are posed upon us.
It's not like I live an ideal. My heart is restless. I can't have what I want. I try to be content with what I have while longing for the ideal. I am lonely and broke and wonder how I got here. I struggle and struggle and struggle.
I beg for a release. Right now. Some how.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Some Feel the Rain. Others Just Get Wet.
Maybe it's just spring, but I feel change in the air.
Sometimes I catch little glitches in time like the cigarette burns in old film. I always welcome change. My adaptability to change has always been great. I hope that it will herald new opportunities and friends but light or dark, I'm prepared. I keep my head held high and I don't look down. There's nothing down there anyway.
I found Dylan songs in my head yesterday. That man speaks to me like no other and I'm not so blind as to the similarities between Dylan and The Professor. Perhaps The Professor is merely a manifestation of Dylan in my life. The Professor looks much the way Dylan looked in 1976. They were born with the same initials and are both of Russian Jewish decent. They are deep thinkers and enjoy travel for travel's sake. I read an article concerning a girlfriend of Dylan's. The article said that during their 5 year relationship, she only visited his home once and she was not allowed to sleep in his bed. When she pressed the issue of living together, Dylan said, "I can hardly live with myself."
I've slept in Robert's bed but he is cut of that same cloth. I don't know if he's afraid of being close to someone or if he just doesn't know how. When I was little my Nanna always had cats. In spring, kittens were born. They were wild, untamed little fur balls and I would sit patiently nearby until I was familiar, just waiting for a chance to hold them. It sometimes feels like the same thing.
After a week away from the gym, I returned and it was grueling. My knee doesn't feel fully recovered but I'm hopeful. A coworker is having a knee replacement and he remarked that his knee woes began in quite the same way. I wonder if there is anything I can do to strengthen it and never have to worry over having to have surgery on it someday. I'm trying hard to lose weight and feel stronger. I am careful of what I eat and the exercise helps me burn away anxieties.
I am not exactly where I want to be, but I feel I could be close.
Sometimes I catch little glitches in time like the cigarette burns in old film. I always welcome change. My adaptability to change has always been great. I hope that it will herald new opportunities and friends but light or dark, I'm prepared. I keep my head held high and I don't look down. There's nothing down there anyway.
I found Dylan songs in my head yesterday. That man speaks to me like no other and I'm not so blind as to the similarities between Dylan and The Professor. Perhaps The Professor is merely a manifestation of Dylan in my life. The Professor looks much the way Dylan looked in 1976. They were born with the same initials and are both of Russian Jewish decent. They are deep thinkers and enjoy travel for travel's sake. I read an article concerning a girlfriend of Dylan's. The article said that during their 5 year relationship, she only visited his home once and she was not allowed to sleep in his bed. When she pressed the issue of living together, Dylan said, "I can hardly live with myself."
I've slept in Robert's bed but he is cut of that same cloth. I don't know if he's afraid of being close to someone or if he just doesn't know how. When I was little my Nanna always had cats. In spring, kittens were born. They were wild, untamed little fur balls and I would sit patiently nearby until I was familiar, just waiting for a chance to hold them. It sometimes feels like the same thing.
After a week away from the gym, I returned and it was grueling. My knee doesn't feel fully recovered but I'm hopeful. A coworker is having a knee replacement and he remarked that his knee woes began in quite the same way. I wonder if there is anything I can do to strengthen it and never have to worry over having to have surgery on it someday. I'm trying hard to lose weight and feel stronger. I am careful of what I eat and the exercise helps me burn away anxieties.
I am not exactly where I want to be, but I feel I could be close.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Different
Shifts in day light make it hard for me to wake up. It felt so good to be in dreams and I couldn't pull myself away until after 6. I didn't mind being late for work so much. At one time, it was the end of the world because I knew the guys wouldn't let me hear the end of it. They still don't but I know they love me underneath it all. I belong here even if it's by default.
My knee still feels out of shape so I decided to go for another walk instead of going to the gym last night. I called my girlfriend Nancy so I wouldn't think about time or being tired. I don't have a lot of friends here and talking to someone who really knows me felt good.
Adam used my walk as an excuse not to go to the gym and spend the night pouting about his love life..and life in general. I don't enjoy being around him when he's in these moods. I always feel as if he's mad at me and resent the fact that he leaves little household chores up to me while he combs dating sites for attention. I'm so far removed from seeking that sort of attention. It just won't show up when you're looking for it. I wish he knew that.
I have a date Friday night. For a long time I've wanted to learn to roller skate. I think I would make a super derby girl so I have a date with a new found friend who is going to teach me. I'm so excited. I need new friends and a new outlet will be good for me.
The Professor emailed me yesterday. "How are you doing Lover?" I wrote back promptly and heard nothing. This is his way. Perhaps it makes him feel in control. Maybe he got lost in other things. I don't care. I'm not all about controlling the way things play out, Let him have at it. It doesn't change the fact that loving him feels a lot better than trying not to love him. I feel this way in part because I know that I'm changing, growing, moving in fast and furious ways. Parts of me are ready to be in a relationship and parts of me are not. He and I are not so different. In ways we are just alike.
My knee still feels out of shape so I decided to go for another walk instead of going to the gym last night. I called my girlfriend Nancy so I wouldn't think about time or being tired. I don't have a lot of friends here and talking to someone who really knows me felt good.
Adam used my walk as an excuse not to go to the gym and spend the night pouting about his love life..and life in general. I don't enjoy being around him when he's in these moods. I always feel as if he's mad at me and resent the fact that he leaves little household chores up to me while he combs dating sites for attention. I'm so far removed from seeking that sort of attention. It just won't show up when you're looking for it. I wish he knew that.
I have a date Friday night. For a long time I've wanted to learn to roller skate. I think I would make a super derby girl so I have a date with a new found friend who is going to teach me. I'm so excited. I need new friends and a new outlet will be good for me.
The Professor emailed me yesterday. "How are you doing Lover?" I wrote back promptly and heard nothing. This is his way. Perhaps it makes him feel in control. Maybe he got lost in other things. I don't care. I'm not all about controlling the way things play out, Let him have at it. It doesn't change the fact that loving him feels a lot better than trying not to love him. I feel this way in part because I know that I'm changing, growing, moving in fast and furious ways. Parts of me are ready to be in a relationship and parts of me are not. He and I are not so different. In ways we are just alike.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Try A Little Tenderness
I always feel strung out after a weekend with Jess.
She decided to live with her Dad for high school and I'm still adjusting to her absence. It's left a hole that I will probably never fill except when she's with me like this weekend. In those moments, I try to give her experiences that light up her face and empty my wallet. I can't seem to help myself.
This weekend we shopped for a formal gown for a military ball. We settled on a long black and white affair with intricate embroidery and jewels. We found a pair of heels that seemed to have been made with her dress in mind as well as jewelry to complete the look. She looked stunning. She absolutely took my breath away. She is what love looks like.
Saturday night we went out for sushi and a movie. She chose Beastly which was cute if predictable that she said, "made her soul swell with warmth". Sunday we left Greenville early so that we could go to Nanna's. Jess' dress needed a few alterations. I got the chance to see my Dad and Stepmom before seeing Nanna. I just didn't feel any kind of connection to my family or where I grew up. I felt terribly out of place. The whole scene was drab; lacking any sort of color at all. I couldn't leave quick enough.
Adam had penned all of his love hopes on a date and when it didn't go well, he was not much fun to come home to. He began talking of moving again and I quickly shot down any places he mentioned. Moving away is not the answer for me or for him. If he chooses to go, I'll just a find a place of my own. For once, I want destiny to be able to find me. I feel I've been running from it for most of my life.
I lost five pounds last week despite blowing out my knee doing jumping jacks. I hope to lose five more this week.
There are things I can't seem to change but I'll change all the things I can.
She decided to live with her Dad for high school and I'm still adjusting to her absence. It's left a hole that I will probably never fill except when she's with me like this weekend. In those moments, I try to give her experiences that light up her face and empty my wallet. I can't seem to help myself.
This weekend we shopped for a formal gown for a military ball. We settled on a long black and white affair with intricate embroidery and jewels. We found a pair of heels that seemed to have been made with her dress in mind as well as jewelry to complete the look. She looked stunning. She absolutely took my breath away. She is what love looks like.
Saturday night we went out for sushi and a movie. She chose Beastly which was cute if predictable that she said, "made her soul swell with warmth". Sunday we left Greenville early so that we could go to Nanna's. Jess' dress needed a few alterations. I got the chance to see my Dad and Stepmom before seeing Nanna. I just didn't feel any kind of connection to my family or where I grew up. I felt terribly out of place. The whole scene was drab; lacking any sort of color at all. I couldn't leave quick enough.
Adam had penned all of his love hopes on a date and when it didn't go well, he was not much fun to come home to. He began talking of moving again and I quickly shot down any places he mentioned. Moving away is not the answer for me or for him. If he chooses to go, I'll just a find a place of my own. For once, I want destiny to be able to find me. I feel I've been running from it for most of my life.
I lost five pounds last week despite blowing out my knee doing jumping jacks. I hope to lose five more this week.
There are things I can't seem to change but I'll change all the things I can.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Pretty
I think I'm just naturally attracted to people of a dual nature. Unfortunately, prefer the dominant force to be male with only fringes of girly. The Professor fits this bill and then some. He allows me to play dress up but I have to be careful with the pronouns; he gets angry if I slip up and refer to him in any kind of feminine term. Otherwise, it turns him on to watch me apply makeup to his pretty face with my legs wrapped around his waist.
On said subject, he called last night. I feel like a brat for being bothered by the dangling text message when he left such a voice mail about missing me and hoping to see me soon. In truth, I could have seen him this week but I was the one that begged off due to work and Jessa's visit this weekend. I am glad he doesn't know I sometimes pout when i don't get my way.
But then again, I wish he knew more about me. We move at such a veiled, slow pace with one another Sometimes I wish we could rush head long into a monumental daily dizzy. I would gladly move in on him tomorrow and start matching socks and making omelets. It's not likely to happen any time soon. Early marriages mark us as hesitant.
I was married twice before I was 30. Both have remarried numerous times while I've been hesitant to do so. Historically, I grow bored and enjoy my independence.
I don't think I could ever be bored with The Professor. He has yet to fail in surprising me.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Walking after Midnight
I love walking at night. The sky is like a blanket of stars and there's music in my ears and fresh air in my lungs. I clear my mind and everything is a little more clear.
Last night, I sent a text message to The Professor but never heard back. I don't even know why I try to be close to him. It's obvious that he doesn't want that. When I reach out to him and he doesn't respond, I feel small and unimportant.
They say your adult relationships mirror the relationships you have in childhood. As an abandoned child, I can see I'm still looking for attention from those who cannot be bothered.
I want to love and be loved in return.
This doesn't seem like such a tall order.
Last night, I sent a text message to The Professor but never heard back. I don't even know why I try to be close to him. It's obvious that he doesn't want that. When I reach out to him and he doesn't respond, I feel small and unimportant.
They say your adult relationships mirror the relationships you have in childhood. As an abandoned child, I can see I'm still looking for attention from those who cannot be bothered.
I want to love and be loved in return.
This doesn't seem like such a tall order.
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