I had no sooner called my Daddy to say I was coming home when I was told that I would be working at the home office. I told Daddy if I had known that making plans to see him would lead me to some extra cash I would have made plans sooner. Money has been tight since January so the chance to work some extra hours was more of a blessing than a curse.
I would love to work at the home office full time. It's only a 5 minute drive from where I live. It was strange to work with women. I work as an administrator on a plant site. I can go a whole week and never see another female. Working with women Friday and Saturday was a nice change of pace but I can see the down side to it. Women are much more volatile. Their moods change quickly. I deal with this by being quiet and not paying attention to conversations around me.
Five field administrators were asked to come in, but I was the only one asked to come back the following Friday on a semi-permanent basis. I was pretty jacked about that as it's awesome money for work that is less difficult than what I do during the week. I hope I'm moving in the direction of a full time position in accounting. My fingers are crossed.
The Professor called on Thursday to cancel the plans we had made for the weekend. I don't know how I knew this in advance but I did. I didn't even plan on seeing him but I assured him it was fine since I had to work anyways. He's all caught up in his roller derby team. The Professor isn't exactly a social butterfly. He's handsome and well spoken but he finds it hard to connect with people. The one friend he has is paid to be his assistant at the university. His romances are short lived and he can go days without speaking with anyone other than those ringing up transactions for him. He's awkward and lacks a few of the social amenities that others have. My Daddy has a few of the same quirks. Perhaps that is why I am so patient. I understand a few of the complications that accompany a high IQ. You'd think a high IQ would be a benefit but it's often a problem especially socially.
He tries. He often creates social arenas for himself like roller derby, partners with others in business ventures, helps out with charities. They never last long but I applaud him. It's not easy to see your faults and try to do something about them.
I would like to see him more but I trust his timing. I would prefer him to see me when he wants than to make an effort when he doesn't. He will be more open and it strengthens our relationship or whatever you want to call it. I
I could date others, maybe even find someone who would provide an easier relationship to be involved in, but I just don't want to. Others bore me. I don't feel as alive. He inspires me to be so much more than I ever thought I could be. I have a core belief that there is a sacred contract between the two of us. I believe we are supposed to be in each other's lives.
And while Robert is trying to work on his social skills, I am trying to work on a few problem areas as well. I am trying desperately to become physically fit. I have to overcome my impulses to be comfortable and complacent. I am an emotional eater; my weapon of choice and I've fought self soothing my entire life. Being an emotional eater is just as dangerous as being an alcoholic or a drug addict. This is my battle and I have to win it for my health. It is essential to the life I want for myself.
So I'm working out at the gym a lot. I do crunches in my office chair. I walk in the sunshine. I lift weights to strengthen my arms. I set goals and try to reach them though lately I've not pushed myself very far and I feel a need to do so right now.
I read a lot. Over the weekend I picked up Just Kids by Patti Smith and I think it's the most brilliant book I've read all year.
And in my relationship with the Professor, I am also aware that parts of me have shut down emotionally. In the past few years, I've forgotten how to open up and talk about myself. I find it hard to be honest about how I feel. Sometimes it's just easier to let others do the talking isn't it? It is for me. Somethings are painful to speak of but I'm trying. I'm journaling a lot. I try to capture as many of my thoughts on paper as I can.
I'm constantly looking for ways to broaden my horizons and drip in knowledge.
I truly believe that we find ourselves in the relationships we are supposed to be in. Sometimes I'm lonely but maybe there's a point to that.
I do believe, as you do, that we're meant to cross paths with those who come into our lives. We are all students and we are all teachers. Whether or not we choose to learn from one another is another point but it's a beautiful thing when you can understand the gifts that come with moving forward, with working at your goals, with broadening your mind and doing what you can to understand yourself and others.
ReplyDeleteIt can be a terrifying thing to allow ourselves to become emotionally intimate with someone else, exposing our vulnerability and taking that huge risk of being hurt. But it can also be the thing that lets you know you're alive - whether you're in the 'pleasure' part of a relationship or in the 'pain'.
And yes, I do believe there's a point to being lonely, too. It allows you to examine it up close and personal, see where it comes from and what needs healing so it goes away.
I can really relate (again) to virtually everything you said (except I cannot eat when I'm emotionally upset).
Yes, easier to let others do the talking. But that's okay. Sometimes it's a far better thing to listen for a while, to have a 'time out' and be 'inputting'. Eventually, you will be ready to do the 'outputting' again.
It's okay to have some parts shutting down emotionally, too. A rest is good. It is exhausting to be emotional beings. Recharge your batteries. You're healing and focusing and not giving up. It's wonderful.