Rock Star

I’ve always loved a rock star and all that it might imply.  At four years old I could roll joints and knew all the words to Black Dog by Led Zeppelin.  At home, Daddy was a rock star.  He was sex, drugs and rock n roll on a 5 foot 7 inch stick and just like a Rock n Roll Daddy, he left one day and never made it back into the house.  He’d show up on Friday afternoons and would return us strung out on sugar, smoky scented hair and dirty feet on Sundays.  I would realize much later that Daddy was a high functioning Autistic with a with a serious drug and alcohol problem.  He was better in small doses.  In fact, he was fabulous in small doses.

With the exception of my daughter’s father, I have only found room for rock stars in my heart, mind and bed.   With the exception of my two unfortunate ex husbands, I have known that like Daddy, they are better in small doses.  They get under my skin.  They get in my head and move around furniture.  They come in and out and out and in and it never ends.  I tell you this pretty matter of factly as if I’ve known I’m a long time groupie, but that’s not true.  I’m just putting it together.

I think I’m finally putting a lot of things together.  I think you have to admit and accept whatever you are before it’s possible to change.  I’ve known for a while that I might possibly have intimacy issues and certainly don’t enjoy men or women in large doses but couldn’t quite figure out why. 

A few months ago I was stumbling around a book store and of all the shelves and of all the books I chose Deepak Chopra’s The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire: Harnessing the Infinite Power of Coincidence.  This book challenged a lot of my core beliefs and gave me a lot of new ways to channel Spirit.  I’ve meditated since I was a teen but I began using chants and different position.  I had always used mediation as a form of creative visualization.  Deepak asked me to clear my mind and not think of anything.  He asked me to do this in the morning and the evening.  I’d like to tell you that I do this everyday but I don’t.  Life is hectic.  Deepak had other people to contend with in my mind.  A few moments of meditation could not undo years of passion, denial and sin.

I finished work on Thursday and realized I had nothing to look forward to.  I had no plans at all outside of the gym, household chores and grocery shopping.  I wanted more.  I probably even needed more in fact I know I did and for the life of me I couldn’t understand why I found myself in such a lonely state.  So often I find myself waiting on the rock stars.  I have known better than to ask for specifics.  I just make sure I’m available. 

This weekend I began a new book by Deepak called Pathway to Love (or something close to that).  I began the book around New Year’s but quickly became irritated with it.  I think it was too much for me and I wasn’t ready for all the angles until this weekend.  Pathway covers a lot about relationships.  He had certainly encountered my type before and served it to me on a dirty paper plate.  I ate humbly and accepted my role in being lonely. 

And wouldn’t you know it?  The rock stars found their phones and emails and remembered how to text message.  The Professor waited until the weekend was completely dried up before asking if he could see me tonight after he finished teaching business to his Master’s Degree students.  Rich Ray who I left behind in Chicago emailed and asked if I would still come to Savannah Georgia  while he’s there on business.  For the first time in a long time, this didn’t make me feel especially wonderful.  The reasons I had accepted for their near always absences left me cold.  It’s hard when you realize that you’ve chosen to finish last with those you give the very most to.

You know why Deepak says my love life is bad? He says it’s because I don’t have enough of a relationship with God.  I am seeking God in others rather than seeking God in his truest form.  I think Deepak is right; it feels true to me.  I spent the whole afternoon with God yesterday and He’s hung around today.  I found I was nicer to myself with God around.  I was kinder and more loving to myself.  I looked prettier when I passed mirrors. 

This morning I sent emails to the rock stars.  I’m not a big fan of confrontation and there was no need to guilt them.  I set up these arrangements myself.  Instead I dug out an excuse; ones they had used on me at previous times.  I was amazed at how quickly they responded and how easy it was to put them at bay.  I like the feeling of role reversal.  Perhaps I will call on them at another time.  Perhaps I won’t.  Right now, I feel like hanging out with God.

I woke up at 3:45 am this morning and went to the gym.  I pushed my body against the elliptical machine like I would a rock star.  I could feel the sweat on my lower back and in my hair line.  I close my eyes and repeat old Indian chants that Deepak taught me.   I center all of my energy into the chant; not on what my mind or body want.  If I can push myself to my limits, I feel something far better than conquest or orgasm.  It’s hard to explain.  I spent most of my life avoiding hard work or exercise only to realize I enjoy pushing my limits and there is a pleasure found in physical pain.  I try to explain this to people and they don’t get it.  I try to remind myself of it everyday so that I don’t stop.  I want to see what I can create from that pain.  I want to watch myself transform into that painful pleasure I experience.

 I grabbed a banana, showered, packed my lunch for work and beat all of my guys to the safety meeting.   I gave away most of my lunch.  I just haven’t been hungry.  Perhaps I haven’t been hungry for food at all; ever.  Perhaps my pursuit of God and love and all those in between notions has left me starved.  It’s a nice concept.