Desperate

There are nights I shut the door behind me and do not want to leave the peaceful confines of my place until morning.  I want a quiet dinner, a shower, a rest.  I've spent enough time thinking and talking and I need a moment of nothing.  This is especially so after a hectic Monday.
A. cannot be still.  He spends the night trolling dating sites, checking email and texting in search of something to do with someone, anyone, nobody really.  It's an obsession that's exhausting to watch.  It's hard to watch.  I want to be anywhere but in the near reach of it. The desperation smells up the place.  Desperation is never attractive and yet he wonders why he can't find someone to have a relationship with.   
I believe the relationships we find ourselves in are the ones we need.  Sometimes they teach us what we want to be.  Sometimes they teach us what we don't want to be. 
I don't want to be A.  Our behaviors are different, and yet I know that his behavior would not trouble me if I didn't see something of myself in the behavior. 
Since the end of January, I've been seeing the Professor exclusively.  That doesn't mean often.  I am fine with that except when I'm not.  We agreed upon the loose fabric of our envelopment.  We chose it together.  I've allowed him to pick and choose the times and places.  There is no one to be envious of as I know I'm the only woman in his life but as time passes, and yet I long for more like a mistress. 
I want to send a thinking of you text message and receive a response on the same day.  I want to feel free to call and ask if he wants company which I don't feel comfortable doing so currently.  
After a weekend of little left of zero communication, I receive a text message after midnight telling me that he wished I didn't have to work in the morning because he was a bit wired and wouldn't mind seeing me.
I spent the rest of the night with a racing mind and eyes wide open.  I never returned to a peaceful place.  I was robbed by a man who wants me when he wants me.  
The love sick fool in me says that I should be patient and kind in my approach because others simply pale beside him.  The stronger part of me says that I am as desperate as A. to go on with this subservient behavior.