I've never gone a single day of my life without knowing that someone loved me. I'm lucky because I know that not everyone experiences that. This is not to say my life has always been easy or that it is now but in some way, I've always known love.
I am alone but not necessarily lonely. I'd like to feel close to someone but I'm not an absolutely wreck that that I'm not. I like myself enough to enjoy my own company and my life is littered with good friends and loved ones.
Yesterday, Bob Dylan celebrated his 70th birthday. In the course of the day, I received an email from an old lover I still correspond with who happens to love Dylan as much as I do (he introduced him to me during our romance) and probably the only person I know that is more knowledgeable in Dylanology. The email was just a single photo of Dylan with the subject of "70". It made me glow that in his busy Chicago life, I came to mind yesterday. I sent him a simple note back. "You're the only one who know that all I really need in life is Dylan and good shoes".
And it's true though I long and strive for more. Survival is an art form and I am a survivor. It's my greatest strength and probably my greatest weakness. In life, I've walked away from many things because I knew that I could. Maybe it's the abandoned child in me. A broken hearted child learns to live off little rather than lose a lot. I've spent years avoiding feeling left behind at all costs. Perhaps I could have known greater successes had I not feared being abandoned again. Perhaps I would have never known my truest life experience if I had stayed in situations that my inner child feared.
Rich gave me Dylan and Dylan is something that no one can take away from me. Those songs have kept me company when there was no company to be found. It has spoken to me on intimate levels as if he were writing songs just about me long before my birth.
Rich and I had a once in a lifetime love. We were never meant to be more than a season, though I suspect we will always wonder what would have happened if I had not decided to leave Chicago. I also believe we will always check in on one another until there's nothing left to check into. I hope I go first. I like knowing he's out there.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Did I tell you that I have a new lap top?
Well, I do and I love it except I"m still getting used to the keyboard. On Saturday I wrote a monster blog only to lose it with a swipe of a key and was totally unaware of it. I gave up but only momentarily.
I am here on the balcony..where I do a great deal of chatting, dreaming, thinking alone and with others. I have a spectacular view of the sky and this is where I first fell in love with this town. I sensed great things here and I haven't been proven wrong. There have been hard lessons too but I can take those on.
I am grateful to Adam for inviting me to take this place on with him but I will be moving on soon. The reasons are two fold. I feel that I need my own space and I no longer respect or trust Adam. He's fallen into a terrible blanket of vanity...one that likes to appear rich and handsome when in truth, he's just stealing from others including me. I refuse to pay bills but go without because that money is being used for my roommate's extravagances. I won't come home to eviction notices only to learn I"ve been paying the lion's share when I have the smaller bedroom and bathroom. I won't live with someone who borrows money from me above and beyond what I pay in living expenses and who never bothers to pay me back but doesn't hide his new purchases.
Oh, the discontent. I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. I've expressed my feelings sure, but the feelings haven't changed nor will they because while disguised, the behavior hasn't changed. He believes he is not at fault and I will continue to feel cheated. I just don't bother to say anything else. I tuck away the cash, look at new places and plan.
I look forward to a space completely my own. I look forward to decorating and the new energy that bounds from living without resentments within my home. It's been a very long time since I"ve lived alone and that's exciting and scary all at once but I'm ready.
Work is very busy. I've secured a position in the accounting department at the end of June. They need me as an administrator until then. I am trying to find joy in the here and now but it's hard not to jump forward.
Well, I do and I love it except I"m still getting used to the keyboard. On Saturday I wrote a monster blog only to lose it with a swipe of a key and was totally unaware of it. I gave up but only momentarily.
I am here on the balcony..where I do a great deal of chatting, dreaming, thinking alone and with others. I have a spectacular view of the sky and this is where I first fell in love with this town. I sensed great things here and I haven't been proven wrong. There have been hard lessons too but I can take those on.
I am grateful to Adam for inviting me to take this place on with him but I will be moving on soon. The reasons are two fold. I feel that I need my own space and I no longer respect or trust Adam. He's fallen into a terrible blanket of vanity...one that likes to appear rich and handsome when in truth, he's just stealing from others including me. I refuse to pay bills but go without because that money is being used for my roommate's extravagances. I won't come home to eviction notices only to learn I"ve been paying the lion's share when I have the smaller bedroom and bathroom. I won't live with someone who borrows money from me above and beyond what I pay in living expenses and who never bothers to pay me back but doesn't hide his new purchases.
Oh, the discontent. I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. I've expressed my feelings sure, but the feelings haven't changed nor will they because while disguised, the behavior hasn't changed. He believes he is not at fault and I will continue to feel cheated. I just don't bother to say anything else. I tuck away the cash, look at new places and plan.
I look forward to a space completely my own. I look forward to decorating and the new energy that bounds from living without resentments within my home. It's been a very long time since I"ve lived alone and that's exciting and scary all at once but I'm ready.
Work is very busy. I've secured a position in the accounting department at the end of June. They need me as an administrator until then. I am trying to find joy in the here and now but it's hard not to jump forward.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Everything's Gonna Be Alright...
Last week I went on three dates with three different individuals. Two men, one woman but they were all very much alike. They were all in a state of transition in their lives and after our dates, I felt no urgency to see them again. They left me aching for the one I loved but can't seem to get along with. This week I chose to not go on any dates and I probably won't any time soon. I've been chasing love since I learned how to run and what has it truly afforded me? Bad knees. Not much more.
It occurs to me that not everyone is promised a beloved. There are socks that will never find a match. Perhaps those socks are asked to be their own beloveds. I've decided to be accepting of this and look no further. In a way, it's a relief if slightly disappointing. Kind of like learning there is no Santa Claus.
This isn't to say that everything lacks luster these days. I keep getting thinner. I'm the most financially stable that I've been in many years. I am good to myself, and people follow suit. I will find my groove. I will find my purpose here on my own.
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