I've never gone a single day of my life without knowing that someone loved me. I'm lucky because I know that not everyone experiences that. This is not to say my life has always been easy or that it is now but in some way, I've always known love.
I am alone but not necessarily lonely. I'd like to feel close to someone but I'm not an absolutely wreck that that I'm not. I like myself enough to enjoy my own company and my life is littered with good friends and loved ones.
Yesterday, Bob Dylan celebrated his 70th birthday. In the course of the day, I received an email from an old lover I still correspond with who happens to love Dylan as much as I do (he introduced him to me during our romance) and probably the only person I know that is more knowledgeable in Dylanology. The email was just a single photo of Dylan with the subject of "70". It made me glow that in his busy Chicago life, I came to mind yesterday. I sent him a simple note back. "You're the only one who know that all I really need in life is Dylan and good shoes".
And it's true though I long and strive for more. Survival is an art form and I am a survivor. It's my greatest strength and probably my greatest weakness. In life, I've walked away from many things because I knew that I could. Maybe it's the abandoned child in me. A broken hearted child learns to live off little rather than lose a lot. I've spent years avoiding feeling left behind at all costs. Perhaps I could have known greater successes had I not feared being abandoned again. Perhaps I would have never known my truest life experience if I had stayed in situations that my inner child feared.
Rich gave me Dylan and Dylan is something that no one can take away from me. Those songs have kept me company when there was no company to be found. It has spoken to me on intimate levels as if he were writing songs just about me long before my birth.
Rich and I had a once in a lifetime love. We were never meant to be more than a season, though I suspect we will always wonder what would have happened if I had not decided to leave Chicago. I also believe we will always check in on one another until there's nothing left to check into. I hope I go first. I like knowing he's out there.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Did I tell you that I have a new lap top?
Well, I do and I love it except I"m still getting used to the keyboard. On Saturday I wrote a monster blog only to lose it with a swipe of a key and was totally unaware of it. I gave up but only momentarily.
I am here on the balcony..where I do a great deal of chatting, dreaming, thinking alone and with others. I have a spectacular view of the sky and this is where I first fell in love with this town. I sensed great things here and I haven't been proven wrong. There have been hard lessons too but I can take those on.
I am grateful to Adam for inviting me to take this place on with him but I will be moving on soon. The reasons are two fold. I feel that I need my own space and I no longer respect or trust Adam. He's fallen into a terrible blanket of vanity...one that likes to appear rich and handsome when in truth, he's just stealing from others including me. I refuse to pay bills but go without because that money is being used for my roommate's extravagances. I won't come home to eviction notices only to learn I"ve been paying the lion's share when I have the smaller bedroom and bathroom. I won't live with someone who borrows money from me above and beyond what I pay in living expenses and who never bothers to pay me back but doesn't hide his new purchases.
Oh, the discontent. I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. I've expressed my feelings sure, but the feelings haven't changed nor will they because while disguised, the behavior hasn't changed. He believes he is not at fault and I will continue to feel cheated. I just don't bother to say anything else. I tuck away the cash, look at new places and plan.
I look forward to a space completely my own. I look forward to decorating and the new energy that bounds from living without resentments within my home. It's been a very long time since I"ve lived alone and that's exciting and scary all at once but I'm ready.
Work is very busy. I've secured a position in the accounting department at the end of June. They need me as an administrator until then. I am trying to find joy in the here and now but it's hard not to jump forward.
Well, I do and I love it except I"m still getting used to the keyboard. On Saturday I wrote a monster blog only to lose it with a swipe of a key and was totally unaware of it. I gave up but only momentarily.
I am here on the balcony..where I do a great deal of chatting, dreaming, thinking alone and with others. I have a spectacular view of the sky and this is where I first fell in love with this town. I sensed great things here and I haven't been proven wrong. There have been hard lessons too but I can take those on.
I am grateful to Adam for inviting me to take this place on with him but I will be moving on soon. The reasons are two fold. I feel that I need my own space and I no longer respect or trust Adam. He's fallen into a terrible blanket of vanity...one that likes to appear rich and handsome when in truth, he's just stealing from others including me. I refuse to pay bills but go without because that money is being used for my roommate's extravagances. I won't come home to eviction notices only to learn I"ve been paying the lion's share when I have the smaller bedroom and bathroom. I won't live with someone who borrows money from me above and beyond what I pay in living expenses and who never bothers to pay me back but doesn't hide his new purchases.
Oh, the discontent. I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. I've expressed my feelings sure, but the feelings haven't changed nor will they because while disguised, the behavior hasn't changed. He believes he is not at fault and I will continue to feel cheated. I just don't bother to say anything else. I tuck away the cash, look at new places and plan.
I look forward to a space completely my own. I look forward to decorating and the new energy that bounds from living without resentments within my home. It's been a very long time since I"ve lived alone and that's exciting and scary all at once but I'm ready.
Work is very busy. I've secured a position in the accounting department at the end of June. They need me as an administrator until then. I am trying to find joy in the here and now but it's hard not to jump forward.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Everything's Gonna Be Alright...
Last week I went on three dates with three different individuals. Two men, one woman but they were all very much alike. They were all in a state of transition in their lives and after our dates, I felt no urgency to see them again. They left me aching for the one I loved but can't seem to get along with. This week I chose to not go on any dates and I probably won't any time soon. I've been chasing love since I learned how to run and what has it truly afforded me? Bad knees. Not much more.
It occurs to me that not everyone is promised a beloved. There are socks that will never find a match. Perhaps those socks are asked to be their own beloveds. I've decided to be accepting of this and look no further. In a way, it's a relief if slightly disappointing. Kind of like learning there is no Santa Claus.
This isn't to say that everything lacks luster these days. I keep getting thinner. I'm the most financially stable that I've been in many years. I am good to myself, and people follow suit. I will find my groove. I will find my purpose here on my own.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Hiatus Be Gone
I am addicted to celebrity biographies and self-help books.
I don't know what this says about me. I found Mackenzie Phillip's memoir in the discount section and once I started, I couldn't stop. She has the profound ability to offend and make you feel sorry for her all at the same time.
Two weeks have passed since my last entry I think.
I think The Professor and I are over or at least we are on hiatus. At first I was ignoring him and then he ignored me and it's the same maddening game. He told me I was a masochist. He told me truth.
Carla got us amazing seats for the Prince concert. I had the best time. She always spoils me and I don't think I've laughed or talked that much in a very long time. I made a promise to spend more weekends with her and I hope to keep that promise. She is good for my soul.
I often give better advice to others than to myself. I helped Adam break through his depression by pinpointing where it all goes wrong for him. I explained that historically he is happy go completely lucky when he lives no more than 12 hours ahead. The past is just here say, and the future is imaginary. He gets caught up in both without a true appreciation for the right now.
Since that conclusion and commitment to the present, he's enjoyed a promotion at work, splendid company and more admirers than he can handle.
Saturday night we had friends over and went out to the only gay club in town. I prefer gay clubs to straight ones. The music is better and there's less hassle. I can dress up without ever being accused of being over the top and there's always plenty of boys to dance with. Gay men are flirty and fun and I always feel better than when I left when I came.
Tonight, I have plans with a project manager at work. He's a good friend and while I've denied him company for some time, I am excited about seeing him tonight. I need the attention. It's time to move on with it. It's time to go forward.
I'm tired of being alone.
I don't know what this says about me. I found Mackenzie Phillip's memoir in the discount section and once I started, I couldn't stop. She has the profound ability to offend and make you feel sorry for her all at the same time.
Two weeks have passed since my last entry I think.
I think The Professor and I are over or at least we are on hiatus. At first I was ignoring him and then he ignored me and it's the same maddening game. He told me I was a masochist. He told me truth.
Carla got us amazing seats for the Prince concert. I had the best time. She always spoils me and I don't think I've laughed or talked that much in a very long time. I made a promise to spend more weekends with her and I hope to keep that promise. She is good for my soul.
I often give better advice to others than to myself. I helped Adam break through his depression by pinpointing where it all goes wrong for him. I explained that historically he is happy go completely lucky when he lives no more than 12 hours ahead. The past is just here say, and the future is imaginary. He gets caught up in both without a true appreciation for the right now.
Since that conclusion and commitment to the present, he's enjoyed a promotion at work, splendid company and more admirers than he can handle.
Saturday night we had friends over and went out to the only gay club in town. I prefer gay clubs to straight ones. The music is better and there's less hassle. I can dress up without ever being accused of being over the top and there's always plenty of boys to dance with. Gay men are flirty and fun and I always feel better than when I left when I came.
Tonight, I have plans with a project manager at work. He's a good friend and while I've denied him company for some time, I am excited about seeing him tonight. I need the attention. It's time to move on with it. It's time to go forward.
I'm tired of being alone.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Alone
Liz Taylor has died. For all the weddings and divorces, she died alone.
Beautiful, strong women often seem to go that way.
Ideally, a person wants to die surrounded by friends and family but I don't mind going alone as long as it's quick and painless.
Yesterday, I learned that the Crossdresser has began taking estrogen. I am happy for him. Jeanie and I met in August 2008 and were inseperable until January 2009. At the time, I thought he was merely a Crossdresser. I love duality and it seemed a good fit. Until it wasn't. I think our time together helped him to evolve into more of the person that he truly is which is a whole other gender all together. I cleaned every trace of my life out before realizing that our relationship was the real problem. It hurt to let him go but we had both outgrown each other. It was no longer a good fit. Relationships aren't always lasting. Perhaps none of them are. All that we truly have is the moment. The past is but a memory and the future is quite imaginary. This is it....right where you sit or stand or squat.
Beautiful, strong women often seem to go that way.
Ideally, a person wants to die surrounded by friends and family but I don't mind going alone as long as it's quick and painless.
Yesterday, I learned that the Crossdresser has began taking estrogen. I am happy for him. Jeanie and I met in August 2008 and were inseperable until January 2009. At the time, I thought he was merely a Crossdresser. I love duality and it seemed a good fit. Until it wasn't. I think our time together helped him to evolve into more of the person that he truly is which is a whole other gender all together. I cleaned every trace of my life out before realizing that our relationship was the real problem. It hurt to let him go but we had both outgrown each other. It was no longer a good fit. Relationships aren't always lasting. Perhaps none of them are. All that we truly have is the moment. The past is but a memory and the future is quite imaginary. This is it....right where you sit or stand or squat.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Don't Tell Your Dreams Before Breakfast
Recently I told Adam, "We leave. We re-group. We come back." He replied, "You say that with such conviction." I asked him if he believed in an after life or if he really thought this was it. He said, "I don't know but I'm not sure if I'll ever sound as convincing as you do in whatever I believe."
Since that time I've wondered what brought me to that conviction.
Maybe, I've been witness or know without doubt the truth of witnesses of an after life on more occasions than most.
I was raised in the South, and the South is soulful without even trying. It's in our habits, our food, our love. It's in the way we greet the dawn and sleep through the night. God was as much of a part of my life as my family and friends. I was always aware of his presence. I have found that the atheists that I've known are high intelligent. I guess I'm just not that smart.
I have seen ghosts. I have seen spirits. I have seen a few demons.
I tease that I've danced with the Devil and put back shots of Jack with Jesus but that just makes for a good story.
My Nanna taught me to believe in Heaven and Hell and nothing in between and yet, she was superstitious. She believed that you should never tell your dreams before breakfast. This was a rule and one we were taught to follow. To tell a dream before breakfast would make it come true.
Nanna is the oldest of six children. As a newly wed, the youngest of her siblings would often spend summers with her and Grandpa Jones.
One summer morning, the smell of breakfast woke Joe and Linda. Joe who was around age 9 said, "Barbara, I dreamed Gene was dead." Gene was their brother..young, handsome 20 year old Gene just out of the Army and who was to begin a new job in Charlotte on Monday. My Nanna reminded Joe of the rule and said to speak no more of it.
Half an hour later, the phone rang. Gene had died in a one car accident the night before.
Forty or more years later, I heard Joe tell the story of his dream of Gene.
He said that Gene came to him and took him to a room where there was a coffin. When Joe looked inside the coffin, Gene was lying there. Gene said, "Now Joe, that's not me. That's just my body. I don't want you to be afraid. It's not really me."
Did Joe have a premonition or was he truly visited by Gene that night?
I believe it was an older brother preparing a younger brother.
Of course, that's just what I believe.
Since that time I've wondered what brought me to that conviction.
Maybe, I've been witness or know without doubt the truth of witnesses of an after life on more occasions than most.
I was raised in the South, and the South is soulful without even trying. It's in our habits, our food, our love. It's in the way we greet the dawn and sleep through the night. God was as much of a part of my life as my family and friends. I was always aware of his presence. I have found that the atheists that I've known are high intelligent. I guess I'm just not that smart.
I have seen ghosts. I have seen spirits. I have seen a few demons.
I tease that I've danced with the Devil and put back shots of Jack with Jesus but that just makes for a good story.
My Nanna taught me to believe in Heaven and Hell and nothing in between and yet, she was superstitious. She believed that you should never tell your dreams before breakfast. This was a rule and one we were taught to follow. To tell a dream before breakfast would make it come true.
Nanna is the oldest of six children. As a newly wed, the youngest of her siblings would often spend summers with her and Grandpa Jones.
One summer morning, the smell of breakfast woke Joe and Linda. Joe who was around age 9 said, "Barbara, I dreamed Gene was dead." Gene was their brother..young, handsome 20 year old Gene just out of the Army and who was to begin a new job in Charlotte on Monday. My Nanna reminded Joe of the rule and said to speak no more of it.
Half an hour later, the phone rang. Gene had died in a one car accident the night before.
Forty or more years later, I heard Joe tell the story of his dream of Gene.
He said that Gene came to him and took him to a room where there was a coffin. When Joe looked inside the coffin, Gene was lying there. Gene said, "Now Joe, that's not me. That's just my body. I don't want you to be afraid. It's not really me."
Did Joe have a premonition or was he truly visited by Gene that night?
I believe it was an older brother preparing a younger brother.
Of course, that's just what I believe.
Back and Forth
Carla reserved us a VIP table surrounding the stage at the Prince concert. I told her that she makes up for a lot of the raggedy in my life. She really does. I can't imagine life without my sister and my soul sister. Saturday night, I will be with the soul sister while thinking of the sister. As girls, Carey and I played Prince records until they were warped from use. That shows my age I suppose. My daughter knows nothing of vinyl.
Robert and I are over. It's a relief though I'm hesitant to say so. We've been so back and forth and side to side but I think it's safe to say that I'm over it. I'm over romance in general at the moment. I will accept love should it find me, but I'm not going to look for it. I'll find other things to find joy in.
Like Prince.
Like Sisters.
Like laying by the sea.
Robert and I are over. It's a relief though I'm hesitant to say so. We've been so back and forth and side to side but I think it's safe to say that I'm over it. I'm over romance in general at the moment. I will accept love should it find me, but I'm not going to look for it. I'll find other things to find joy in.
Like Prince.
Like Sisters.
Like laying by the sea.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)